Friday, December 02, 2005

I. Am. So. Totally. Famous.

Nerve's Scanner
Things I am ignoring in order to foster my sense of eminence:
1) I am not actually quoted by name, thus...
2) The only person who knows it was me is also half of the readership here so I’m not really getting the message out this way.
3) I am not the only person to think of it (although no question my version is funnier)

However, if you think any of this is getting in the way of me thinking I am so totally famous, you are mistaken. When you combine this with my recent publishing on the Lovemarks website (my entry was chosen as one of the top 5 for that week and featured on the community home page) it's only a matter of time before something major happens. Maybe my blog will get Gawked!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

*something brief*

I see now that I promised a short post after my thesis on Laguna Beach, and instead I returned with a dissertation on TV. Whoops. Here, then, a short update:

Pat Kiernan and Roger Clark were both singing yesterday. In a desperate attempt to make a story out of the weather (it's called winter and it ain't news) Roger Clark was in Herald Square asking people to name songs with "rain" in the title. Most people said "Singing in the Rain" or "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head". Pat wondered why nobody had mentioned "Purple Rain" and launched into a rendition. HEE! Roger Clark joined in and it was about the funniest thing you'll see on the news except those times when British journalists go to interview ducks and end up getting chased around and falling into the pond. Oh, and seriously, I could probably name 15 songs with "rain" in the title. Once as a wedding shower game we were asked to list songs with "love" in the title. Two weeks later, my list finally petered out at about 140.

Why TV is awesome

It is immediately apparent to anyone who gets to know me even a little bit that I am a TV fanatic. I used to conceal this fact or at least get defensive about my preferred medium of entertainment, but no more. Read a lot of books and you’re “intellectual”. Watch a ton of movies and you’re “cultured”. But admit to religiously following any show not on HBO and you’re “an idiot”. Well, today I bring you my reasons why TV is awesome.
A novelist has almost complete control over their work. Certainly, an editor may make changes or contributions, but ultimately Philip Roth puts out the exact book he wants to put out. A singular achievement, in every sense of the word. One artistic voice impervious to meddling. Want to write a short story? That’s cool. A mid-sized chick lit beach read? Good on you. An epic masterpiece thick enough to be its own coffee table? Best of luck selling it but it’s your call.
A movie director usually has majority control over their work. That is, once they have a script they like, actors approved by the studio and enough money to execute their vision. For the purpose of my argument, I’m specifically referring to movies where the director has been afforded the ultimate luxury: final cut. Where they may begin with a good script or a shaky one, have Oscar-caliber actors or be forced to cast Denise Richards, at the end of the day the product that leaves their hands is the culmination of their best intents and efforts. Even when they do not have final cut and the studio comes in with test marketing results calling for a new ending, once the movie is done it is done and you have a completed piece of work, if not always a piece of art. You have somewhere between 90 and 150 minutes, unless you are Peter Jackson, with which to convey your full creative statement.
But who controls a TV show? To an extent, the creator/writer/producer a la JJ Abrams, or Rob Thomas (the genius behind Veronica Mars-you saw that coming).
They have the initial idea, usually write the first few scripts and oversee the arc of the show should it continue. Aye, there’s the rub. Because the life of a TV show is almost directly controlled by the audience or lack thereof. We all bitch and moan when brilliant shows like Arrested Development or My So-Called Life are taken off the air prematurely, but the upshot is if people were watching them, the networks would have kept them on the air. As an exec producer, you have no idea if you are writing something that will be on the air for three episodes or three years. What if MSCL had stayed on the air as long as Buffy did? Would it have had rough patches and a mildly unsatisfying ending? Do we love it more because it was like James Dean-young and full of amazing promise that was never really put to the test? What if the X-Files had ended two or three years earlier? Would people now be talking about how much they miss it or how great everything wrapped up? The push and pull between making something that is ostensibly meant to continue as long as possible but always being ready to wrap it up neatly if need be is what makes TV the most difficult and awesome form of entertainment. A novelist or screenwriter has a complete idea; beginning, middle, end. An EP has to be ready to continue the show as long as people are watching and the network will allow. Rob Thomas mostly had everything mapped out for the first year of VM, but then the show continued. I’ve seen various arguments on the merits of S1 vs. S2 but my feeling is you have to give the have to give the advantage to Season 2 if only because the degree of difficulty is so much higher – keep loyal viewers hooked, attract new viewers, don’t repeat things from the first season and be ready with a meaningful conclusion if (god forbid) it ends early. Thus far, they have managed to walk that tightrope with dazzling precision and I have total faith that the many questions raised thus far will be answered in due time. Unlike say, Lost, where I have no belief whatsoever that they can plausibly dig themselves out of the hole anymore. There is a perfect example of why TV is so tricky. The first season was well balanced between back stories and unraveling mysteries but now it has devolved into an increasingly ridiculous puzzle with no end in sight. And that’s exactly it - from the producers’ perspective there is no end in sight. Lord knows if I had the number 5 show on TV my focus would be, “how do we keep this going?” not “how do we wrap this up?” The artistic choice is gone and they are now beholden to the audience to continue even if it could all be brilliantly and best concluded at the end of this season.
To a lesser extent, the audience response can also determine the detailed direction a show takes. More specifically, character pairings, or “ships” as we internet-savvy folks like to call them, are often steered according to fan desire. Would anyone have been satisfied by Friends ending without Ross and Rachel getting together? As a Dawson-Joey shipper, my heart was broken in half by the ending of that show, but the overwhelming fan base seemed to be Pacey-Joey shippers. (I could go into why it is completely unacceptable to have the titular character of the show not get the girl…but I won’t). The second facet to this theory is that audience response is almost directly correspondent to the actor playing the role. Here again is where the EP loses control over his or her baby. You cast an actor based on several auditions, a screen test and maybe a reading with someone already hired. How on earth can you really be sure that this person will be able to handle any twists and turns that come up? What if you decide a protagonist should turn bad or a villain become sympathetic? Here again I turn to Veronica Mars for an example. At the onset of the show, you have two boys, Duncan and Logan. Duncan is the sweet, if distant, former love of Veronica and distraught brother of the murdered Lilly. Logan, to use Veronica’s words, is the school’s “obligatory psychotic jackass”. So why after the course of a season, are the internet boards overwhelmed with Logan-Veronica devotees (LoVe shippers, as we like to be known) and only meekly populated with fans delusional enough to support VD? As Jon Lovitz would have declared, the reason is “Acting!” Throughout the first season, Jason Dohring as Logan crafted a charming, layered and magnetic character whose on-screen chemistry with Kristen Bell’s Veronica was smoking. Whereas Teddy Dunn, as Duncan, is so robotic in his responses and inscrutable in his intentions, the writers had to give him a fake type of epilepsy complete with emotion-numbing medication to explain his bizarre lack of characterization. Fans have taken to all sorts of speculation about the reasons for Duncan’s behavior, willing to believe it is all part of a carefully constructed plot. But here again is where Rob Thomas, EP extraordinaire, cannot control everything in his universe. Teddy Dunn is just a weak actor and now, no matter how much the writers would like to craft a magnificent storyline for Veronica and Duncan, the majority of the fans are protesting anything that stands in the way of LoVe. Yes, my opinion is sure as heck biased, but I would direct you to TWoP for full Backup. (hee. That’s the name of her dog)
My point is (I heard that. Yes, I have one) that with several crucial factors beyond their control, TV EPs have the most difficult task to create something great. Clearly, there is a lot of crap on TV. But there are also shitty movies and lame books, too. When a TV show is well-written, convincingly acted and sustains a consistent level of quality over the course of years, that is truly awesome.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Laguna Beach recap

So Entertainment Weekly has already pointed out why LB: TROC is better than The O.C. this season. (Which I can totally not link to! Sorry) Since my expectations for The OC were greatly diminished, I myself have mostly been digging this season. However, some rumblings have been making me nervous. I know show runners around the world (I’m looking at you, J.J. Abrams) might have a heart attack to hear this, so I’m going to go slow and emphasize this point: I LIKE it when main characters, i.e. Seth and Summer, stay TOGETHER. I DON’T LIKE it when there is constant breaking up and getting back together. I know the show is called a “drama” but contrary to standard notions and practices, that does not automatically mean every couple must break up once a season.
However, the exception to that rule is reality shows, like our beloved Laguna Beach. If those people could break up and get back together once every month or so, that would be pretty much ideal. And the good news is, they usually do. After the first season’s archetypal Kristin-Stephen-LC triangle, I was fully convinced they would not be able to produce a compelling second season. What could possibly live up to it? And at first, I think I was right. When the season one finale aired, MTV had Kristin on as a guest host in the TRL studio. They show preview clips of the second season which totally focused on Casey, the new drag queen, I mean student, at LB High. Even from those short clips I knew she was too weird and not nearly slutty or conniving enough to be interesting, though not from a lack of trying on her part. So while I didn’t watch all of this season of LB, from what I did see there was mercifully little Casey and a continued focus on K-S-LC, until Jason started making things interesting. What a giant tool that guy is. He looks older than Luke Perry did back in the Bev-9er days, but apparently the chicks dig him. Why he was ever dating perennial wing-girl Jessica to begin with entirely escaped me. You all are totally thinking this, but I’ll go there-she had bad skin, fuzzy hair and always wore unflattering tops like she had raided Kristin’s closet unaware that the two of them are not the same size. Dieter was in her league; Jason not so much. Their spectacular break-up was arguably the highlight of this season. It was satisfying in that you were rooting against both of them. Inevitably, when he got together with Alex M, I was rooting for Jessica to mess that shit up. It’s the opposite of being a shipper-you don’t want to see either of them happy, alone or together. And then came LC.
Digression: there are two distinct camps of Laguna Beach watchers-team Kristin and team LC. I was always Team Kristin during S1. Maybe LC’s narration was too harsh, maybe it’s like the Yankees and I enjoy rooting for winners, but I could never get behind LC’s pathetic pinning away for Stephen. However then S2 began, and Kristin seemed a bit over the top. There’s bitch and then there’s Bi-Yaatch! and she was setting up camp in the second category. And LC seemed over Stephen enough to hook up with him in Mexico and not really care too much. Kinda cool. Still, I felt myself wanting to slap I’m-too-pure-to-wear-makeup Taylor and realized I was still Team Kristin, though perhaps with a little less disdain for LC.
Back on topic: even though I am not on Team LC, I still like her enough not to want to see her with Jason. She did turn him into a high-pitched-baby-talking idiot when he was around her (“You’re cute. Hee.”) which funnier than it should have been. But, inevitably, back comes Jessica. Did I miss something or were they both drunk at the fashion show? Or is Jason that much of a monumental blockhead that he managed to kiss J in front of LC while sober? My favorite moment of that episode actually came before the kiss, when Jessica was getting her makeup reapplied and LC went just slightly psychotic on her. She was literally unable to control her annoyance and frustration despite a really valiant effort and that’s when the magic happens. It’s so much less interesting when someone is all set to throw a hissy fit, but I really think LC wanted to play it mostly cool and snarky but she failed. That moment totally turned me on LC and now I am able to love her and Kristin. Though not together. Or, together, if that’s your thing.

Wow, this was totally longer than I meant it to be, and it actually took me three days to finish! Without actually making a point about anything. Christ on a bike. Next time: something brief. (There I go with the underwear again)

Friday, November 11, 2005

why I'm lame, #42

Yesterday while walking back from lunch, the heel broke off my boots. My three-inch heel snapped entirely clean off of my favorite black knee-high square-toed Nine West boots in the middle of crossing 45th St. A total Mentos moment. Yet, did I write a funny post about it? Did I have some hi-LAR-ious story to regale co-workers and my worldwide fans alike? Um, no not really. It's a situation that completely lends itself to humor and I got nothing. Well, at least it was better than the time that I tripped walking on the LES. Stone cold sober and I toppled over on my cork wedges to skin an exposed knee. I brushed the gravel off and kept walking until I noticed the blood. But somehow (and it MAY have had something to do with the 4 hurricanes I consumed in support of New Orleans) I didn't notice the full extent of the injury until much later that night. Folks, I still have a red mark there and this was early September. But at least that was a funny story. No wonder I don't have a book deal from this blog yet...

Underwear: Overthought

Every pair of underwear has a specific category-a purpose in life, if you will. There are your low-rise-wear-with jeans pairs, your low-low-rise wear with those ass-crack-showing pinstriped Dickies, your thongs for those last remaining Gap khakis with no back pockets, your A-team boy shorts for nighttime, your B-team granny panties for bed time, your varsity starters and your JV benchwarmers. And because I know that you’re wondering, yes mine are sorted by category and then stacked in priority order in my drawer. Cheeky monkeys.
Much like a mind, a pair of underwear is a terrible thing to waste. One must select the correct underwear genre and application for the correct outfit. Sometimes, however, in the dark confusion of the early morning it is possible to make a mistake. In a drawer overflowing with clean undies, somehow I managed to grab an are-these-kids-sized-low-rise pair rather than the no-VPL all-stars I should have gone with. I chalk it up to underestimating the rise on these trousers. I thought for sure I’d be in pre-baby-Britney land but besides sitting comfortably above my hips, they are also fully lined. So here I am, wasting one of two impossibly tiny pairs normally reserved for my Sevens when one of my mid-rise HappyFunPink pairs would have served just as well.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Arrogance and Asininity

Just how bad is this Keira Knightly adaptation of Pride and Prejudice going to be? Where to begin?
a.) They’re making it “rougher, dirtier, more realistic”. I hate this revisionist crap when people remake something-it always has to have a “dark edge”, even if it’s flippin’ Oklahoma! I want to see pretty people in pretty dresses, god damn it. If I was looking for dirty or realistic, I’d be across the theatre in North Country.
b.) Judi Dench. I’m over her. She won’t be funny, and Lady Catherine DeBurgh is meant to be funny. Blah blah, James Bond, blah blah, Shakespeare in Love, blah blah - save it. If she can win an Oscar for 8 minutes of screen time, I can judge her entire performance in this movie from the trailer. Which brings us to…
c.) Ah yes, the trailer. Which makes oh so judicious use of the Howie Day song, “Collide”. HOWIE DAY. I will even risk losing all street cred here to say I sort of like that song, but not for Pride and Prejudice! I’m guessing Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be” was too expensive. And they give the whole damn movie away. Yes, I recognize that it’s not like Jane sees dead people or Elizabeth turns out to be a man, but would it kill them to build some tension? I mean, considering the couple in question don’t even like each other for the first half, you’ve got some ground to cover before you can throw in the whole, “Their worlds kept them apart…but love brought them together” or whatever. I think I just vomited a little in my throat.
d.) The scruffy, unwashed, fugly dude playing Darcy. Yes, I get that they didn’t “shower regularly” back then, but that doesn’t mean they walked around with bed head either. That pretty people in pretty clothes thing extends to dudes as well.
e.) Last but certainly not least, Keira Knightly. She is so wrong for the part of Elizabeth Bennet, it makes my fingernails hurt. Even her teeth are wrong! Miss Bingley concedes that Eliza Bennet has good teeth and I guarantee you someone with her snaggletooth would never garner that generous of an allowance.

I’ll give you an update after I see it. Which of course I will.

so not cool

Part 2 of 2 in the series, continuing the exploration of the dichotomy between things “cool” and “not cool”
What is up with Gwen Stefani’s obvious obsession with her ex-boyfriend and current bandmate Tony Kanal?
Disclaimer up front: I love the video for “Cool”. I love the video so much that I wanted to cut and dye my hair to look just like hers in the flashbacks with the beautiful Italian boy. (Does anyone know if it is based on a movie? La Dolce Vita or Roman Holiday or some other classic I should have seen?) I love the video so much that I didn’t even pay attention to the lyrics the first 20 or so times I watched it. Which for me, is super rare. I am a fanatic for lyrics. But the video was just so damn pretty!
However, I find the message a little disturbing. Sure, it’s all well and good that he calls you by your new last name and you’re hanging out with his new girlfriend, but seriously, didn’t they break up like 10 years ago? I am not kidding-IIRC from Behind the Music MC Hammer was on the charts when the two of them were together last. Granted, she got a lot of mileage out of “Don’t Speak” which was also about their break-up, but doesn’t anyone (Gavin Rosedale, for starters) find it odd that she is still writing songs about Tony? Move on!

Monday, October 31, 2005

Things that are cool

  • My Open Bar-the alcoholic Daily Candy. Except, you know, funny and useful.
  • Friday 8:58am: "What are we doing tonight?" "No plans." "Oh, well, I guess we can have a chill night at home so we're productive on Saturday" Cut to...
  • Friday 8:58pm: Sitting around a bar table at the favorite spot with future bridesmaid in for the night from Minneapolis and brother-from-another-mother who lives out in Bay Ridge and can never be tracked down. These things do not happen in Windham, CT. (And in case you were wondering, we were so not productive on Saturday. Unless reading parts 10-35 of a Veronica Mars fanfic, eating nachos for lunch and watching an assload of college football can be considered productive.)
  • Getting into private events/screenings/parties via friends. Especially ones featuring potty-mouthed comediennes.
  • Sweaters and boots. Hurrah for fall. Also hot bevvies like pumpkin spice and soy chai lattes.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Genius, pure genius.

I just realized a way I can blog at work that reduces my chance of being caught. Draft the post first in Word, on company letterhead even and then cut and paste the finished post into Blogger. The bonus feature? Spelling and grammar check as I go along. (Three green and one red squiggly line thus far)
So, yes, here I am. I felt that my “return-to-posting” post would have to be monumentous. Is that really not a word? What word am I thinking of? Well, expansive and awe-inspiring, then. Sadly, I fear this is not to be, but better a crack-addled and Veronica Mars filled nugget than nothing at all, right?
Because Veronica Mars has truly and officially taken over my life. I used to think of myself as a well-rounded-Renaissance-type consumer of pop culture and media. Some movies, lots of TV, select magazines, a fair amount of sports and even news when I’m forced. I could wax poetic on the Yankees current state (dismal, given the state of their bullpen and lack of clutch hitting by big name players. Looking at you, A-rod). I devoured at least one New York Magazine, including crossword and one Entertainment Weekly, well, weekly. I could keep pace with some bigger movie buffs than myself by selectively quoting remembered passages from A. O. Scott’s reviews. I would pretend to sound worldly by repeating things I’d heard on NPR before falling into a narcoleptic coma. But that was long ago.
My entire world of the last few weeks has revolved feverishly and exclusively around the planet Mars. At this moment, the Veronica Mars radio station is playing faintly from my computer speakers and I had to turn it up a touch because “Momentary Thing” is playing. You know, the song from episode 1.18 Weapons of Class Destruction when Veronica and Logan share their first kiss on the terrace of the Camelot. Let’s all pause for a silent squee…
(And while I’m at it, adding squee to my MS Word dictionary. Momentous! That’s the word I was looking for.)
So, getting back to VM. I am of course a LoVe shipper, because VD is just unbearable. I spend a ton of time over at TWoP, debating whether RT and TPTB were crazy to even cast TD in the first place or if he’s holding some great plot twist in all that robot Donut acting. The former, IMHO. I actually feel physically ill if I go too long without hearing the VM soundtrack; I listen to nothing else on my iPod. I haven’t gone to bed before 1:00am since buying S1 on DVD and watching every episode in order from the beginning. But what has really marked my decent into obsession, the true sign of my mental collapse is that I am reading fanfic. The purple-backgrounded, icon-populated world of LiveJournal has sucked me in, never to be seen again. My evenings (and, OK, sometimes a small part of my days) are filled with long and tender tales of Logan and Veronica in an alternate ending to episode 2.03 Cheatty, Cheatty, Bang, Bang. Logan and Veronica in an imagined tangent taken from events in episode 1.15 Ruskie Business. Logan, Veronica and Duncan 10 years into the future and living in Hong Kong. And in case you couldn’t have guessed, they mostly involve Logan and Veronica having sex. Oh, sure, you got your funny “Veronica/Wallace adventure” fics, your sweet “Lilly looks over everyone from the grave” fics and for the truly disturbed, even some Sheriff Lamb fic. But the overwhelming majority is slightly smutty, slightly schmoopy dreams of Logan and Veronica, snarking and fucking for eternity. And I am a junkie for it. All of it. Sometimes I lose of track of what’s really happened on the show and what’s part of Tiana’s Holding the Curve, parts 1-11.
Wow, I can't believe I admitted all of that. Guess it feels good to come back to blogging. I know it's a pie-crust promise, but I swear, I'm back on the wagon and now that the floodgates are open I think you'll have a hard time holding me back. (I like my metaphors like my nuts: dry-roasted).

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Beset Regards*,

So I have been majorly swamped, trying to pack and prepare for a week-long vacation to Munich, Germany to visit my family. Prost! I am so excited to drink many biers, watch 1860 Munchen in the new football stadium and tour Salzburg. Perhaps when I return, I can learn the magic of posting pictures to my blog.
The only downside to this is that I am crazed at work (and no, blogging during the day is so not helping that) trying to set everyone up while I'm gone. It is amazing to me that brilliant, literally genius-level people can have so much trouble with a conference call pass code, but such is my life. I am hoping they miss me just enough to realize it's time for that raise we've casually discussed before; but not so much that the place shuts down. Because that will mean a shitload of work will be waiting when I get back. Ugh.
So I'm sorry that I've been mucho lamo with the posting-I've barely checked Gawker all week, have totally been neglecting the Bar Man over at 1000 Bars and probably offended several people with my email non-responsiveness. However, in my traditional glass-half-full way, I prommise to be better upon my return and give you a thorough rundown of all things Oktoberfest.
Hopfen und Maltz, Gott Erhaltz!**

*If you're wondering if that is yet another example of my egregious spelling errors, just take "beset" over to MS Work and right-click for "Synonyms".

**"Hops and Malt, may God keep forever" Sort of a variation on "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants up to be happy"

Thursday, September 01, 2005

We got $5,000! We got $5,000!

Ok, I don't actually got $5,000 or a contract to put my cable access show on a local network. But I did finally get digital cable with DVR! Sadly, this is not a paid endorsement brought to you by Time Warner Cable of New York. It's me genuinely ecstatic that I now have channels like IFC, BBC America, Discovery Health, VH1 Classics and SoapNet AND I can TiVo* them for my viewing pleasure whenever I choose. Plus a free month of HBO, which only excites me for Entourage and possible airings of Eurotrip. I am still trying to figure out if I will be able to TiVo all Jets games without recording every program listed as "NFL Football" on TV. Though Lord knows they way they show games here in NY, that would only mean the addition of every Giants game and never the other AFC game that in a normal market would be on CBS either before or after the Jets. For some inexplicable reason, instead of some awesome Patriots-Colts matchup, we get Ron Popeil at 3:00pm on a Sunday.
Sorry, went off on a tangent there. But then I thought about MTV2, The Golf Channel, Turner Classic Movies, Trio and Game Show Network and it's all good again.
Hooray for TV!

*TiVo has become like Xerox or Kleenex - a brand name that stands as a noun or verb (in this case, either depending on usage) without the actual use of the brand product. Quite a feat for something that doesn't even enjoy a majority share of the digital video recorder market.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

to gym or not to gym

Me: 5' 2", 128 lbs, surprisingly decent muscle tone, pudgy tummy.
Inner Me (IM): My conscience
Scene: 5:02pm on a Tuesday afternoon

IM: We are so ready for the gym tonight! iPod charged, bag packed and yummy salad for dinner already waiting at home.

Me: Yeah, I really think we need to revise those plans...

IM: Oh no you don't. The Yankees don't play till 10:00pm, Veronica Mars isn't on until tomorrow and you're already posting to your blog. You have NO EXCUSE not to go.

Me: Um, I really need to do laundry?

IM: True, but not a good enough excuse. You can do laundry while you watch Veronica Mars tomorrow night.

Me: Ooo, I really need to buy birthday cards: for the Feyonce, his parents and also for my parents anniv-

IM: Lame. Not buying it, fatso.

Me: Excuse me? I am out of shape no doubt, but certainly not fat.

IM: Whatevs. You are still totally going to the gym tonight. It's important to establish good habits now, especially before you go pig out in Germany.

Me: I will be eating some of the best food ever with my family there! Sure, none of it involves vegetables...

IM: Exactly. And don't change the subject.

Me: What if I promise to go Wednesday and Thursday...and to walk on the treadmill at home over the weekend?

IM: Who are you trying to kid? You'll skip Wednesday to sit home and sqee for two hours in anticipation of the aforementioned Veronica Mars. Thursday you need to pack for the weekend. And the treadmill at home? Will that be before or after you get around to cleaning out the junk underneath your bed? You. Are Going. To. The. Gym. Tonight.

IM: Tubby.

Me: There you go with the name calling again! Just for that, I'm not going. I don't want to, the Feyonce didn't pack his stuff, it might probably rain and if it doesn't it'll be too humid outside, and I'm tired! So there. You might be the one with the strong moral fiber and will of iron but I'm the one who controls the legs. Ha!

IM: You can buy yourself a pen afterwards if you go. From Staples...

Me: Ok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* SCENE *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Monday, August 29, 2005

post for the sake of a post

Because I have been working to post more regularly, here is an entirely random recap of the weekend and today's musings:
  • Went to Callicoon, did not break anything. Score! Sucked at pool. Billiards, like bowling and darts, require the participant to be exactly one-and-a-half beers in for peak performance. It's a fine line, but I'm proud to report that my failures came from being on the under side of that equation, rather than the over. For a change.
  • VMA Report: loved Green Day, wanted to love Kelly Clarkson more but wish she still had brown hair and boobs. Loved that My Chemical Romance was shut out. I hate, hate, hate this band and nothing was funnier than watching their faces every time they lost. You know they were banking on the MTV2 award and then the antler-boy video stole it out from under them. Hilarious. Also hilarious: Diddy's nekkid, 2-yr old butt. (Can't find photo to link, sorry.) OMG, and "Kunta Combs". I swear I will try to find this picture tomorrow.
  • VMA Fashion Report. This pretty much covers it.
  • Pat Kiernan sang again this morning! I can't tell you how much it makes my week when he croons a showtune snippet. Today it was an article about Maria Sharapova, and the headline was, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" The fact that the song is intended for nuns only makes it that much better. {sigh}

Friday, August 26, 2005

Who can that attractive girl be?

What is it with men and skirts?

Ok. The Fed-Ex guy, who already calls me "sweetheart" and rolls up his sleeve to show off suntan lines, said I looked very pretty today. Nice enough compliment, and I thanked him. The thing is, I think I look basically the same today as I did yesterday and the day before that. Certainly, from the waist up, my outfit is identical because I wear the same white hoodie every day in my sub-zero office. The only difference, as you may have inferred, is that today I am wearing a skirt. Knee-length grey pleated, vaguely cheerleader-esque, but not overtly sexy. Thanks to my Mary Hart table-as-desk, you can see my legs underneath. No pantless days for me, sadly. My question is, what is it about skirts and dresses that people (not just men) automatically think you look prettier in them? What if I was wearing shorts and showing the same amount of leg? I am not on a feminist, anti-skirt rant here. I actually refused to wear pants at all for a stretch of time somewhere around kindergarten. This is a social-anthropological thesis question. If my hair, make-up, body type and generic fashion sense are all unchanged, why does a skirt make everyone say, "You look pretty today"?
Again, this is not a rant. And, apologies, it's also not particularly funny. But it is something that has nagged at the back of my mind and I wanted to put it out into the cosmos. Meanwhile, my knees are cold.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Like swimmin' holes and brimmin' bowls of cereal made from stone

For the first time in probably 3 or 4 years, I had a Pop Tart today. Man, it just brought me right back. I had two major Pop Tart phases in my life:
Early childhood-a big fan of the fruit flavors, I was afraid to eat them "raw". I saw someone at my daycare do it and it blew me away. I'm pretty sure it was still a few years before I attempted the feat myself.
College-Pop Tart revival brought on by the S'mores flavor. My teeth sort of hurt now just thinking about how sweet those were, but every morning as I drove my dented, purple Princessmobile into my illict faculty parking spot (thanks, Dad!) I scarfed a S'mores Pop Tot and washed it down with Earl Grey or Irish Breakfast tea. Good times.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Bad, bad, bad blogger

Ok, I know I have been totally lame and not posting regularly at all. See, I have this whole dealy-bob called a "job" and it completley sucks up my free time between 9:00AM and 6:00PM. What's that you say? Blog "after hours", like when I'm home? But I'm usually very busy watching the Yankees lose! (Yes, technically with Felix Escalona's bases-loaded single in the bottom of the 9th last night, the Yanks took sole possesion of the AL wild card lead. But still. I expect a bigger ROI on a $200 million payroll than squeaking into the wild card lead). And I have other commitments, like hanging with my friends. You know; Linds, Rachie, Joni, Marissa, Summer, Veronica Mars, Sydney, etc. I am a very popular girl.
But nevertheless, I have neglected my blogging duties and no one is going to give me a book deal for a sparse blog. So, I am committed to posting daily whenever possible. Oo, except this weekend when I will be lazing in the Delaware River on an inner-tube, beer in hand. Yeah. But other than that, seriously you guys, I promise to be better.
On another note, raise your hand if you are hungover. _:{ Really, just me? Damn.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Real men of genius

This will be short, and probably not funny as I have come down with a mild case of retardation and can't come up with anything particularly witty, relevant or frankly even timely to share with you. However, thank God for the Daily Show. Monday night's interview with Steve Carrell was sheer genius. The beginning was 3 minutes of silence-just awkward pauses* and synchronized water-sipping.
* Can you have a pause in silence? I guess by definition that would be talking or noise...and in this case, there was some throat-clearing and shuffling of paper, so I stand by my linguistically-challenged sentence.

What happened to Hillary Duff? Anyone? On Leno Monday night she was wearing a black wig and a rejected outfit from Mrs. Mia Wallace's closet. At the Teen Choice awards last night, besides sporting the dinosaur-head ponytail that so many girls who missed the 80's the first time are prone to, she looked...well, horsey. There's no other word for it. All the baby fat is gone from her face and the result is a cross between Carley Simon and oh, christ, I don't know something blond with googly eyes. I told you this wasn't going to be funny. I'll come back later when the Vitamin DC and KinderChocolate have kicked in.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Action Caaaaats!

So much for the caniculares dies of summer - it is all about cats right now. Evidence:
  • Stuff on My Cat, which I have been religiously visiting since July, now having been linked to death everywhere else in the blogosphere is in need of $$. I am seriously thinking of contributing.
  • Also found this amazing photo set on Flickr. It makes me miss the days when my cat could chase the koosh-ball-on-a-wire toy up the wall. Now he's more likely to chase it straight into the wall.
  • Thundercats Season 1: Now on DVD. Ho!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Best Show Ever

I wish I had a screen grab or some kind of link to prove this, but you'll just have to to trust me on this. Um, what's clearly the funniest show on VH1? Sorry, I meant intentionally funny, so not "Celebrity Fit Club". Right, "Best Week Ever". What could possibly make that show funnier? Why, an appearance by PAT KIERNAN, DCA, of course!! He talked about the new Battlestar Galactica on Sci-Fi Channel and one other topic (I was too busy squee-ing to pay attention to what he was commenting on).
I mean, sure I watched Studio 7 for the 2 days it was on the air. Of course I thought about seeing "The Interpreter" just for his likely 20 second cameo. (I thought better of it, but still.) And "Best Week Ever" is no " Hollywood Squares". Still, I'm starting to wonder if I need to start a seperate blog dedicated to hearting PK...ah, who has the time?

In other news, the weekend update will be coming eventually, though I really wanted to include pictures but have not yet dedicated the 15 minutes to learning how to do that. ADD...a blessing and a curse.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Queer as a $2 Playbill

My prediction? This show is now going to close faster than Audrey II around a fresh piece of meat.

Friday, August 05, 2005

NYOne by the numbers

Diet Cokes consumed today: 2
Hairsyles I have had since lunch: 4
Ponytail holders used in aforementioned hairstyles: 2
Links visited from my "Favorites/News" folder: 1
Links visited from my "Favorites/Blogs" folder: 5
Musical theatre references made by Gawker in the past few weeks (that I caught): 3*
Phone calls answered: 65
Percent of callers I was fake-nice to: 35
Percent of callers I was actually nice to: 62
Times I drifted off, daydreaming about Pat Kiernan, DCA: 1
Money spent on lunch: $6.95
Money spent at Staples: $361.02
Hours it took me to finish this post: .83

It's Friday, people. The funny is working summer hours.

UPDATE: Moves it took me to solve this: 88. New High Score, bi-otch!!

*since I know I'm the only drama geek here: Chorus Line, Man of LaMancha and Little Night Music Only one reference is not in the post title. I'm sure there are more I have missed.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Hopelessly Devoted

While I may never be able to fully explain the title of this blog (um, I I caffinate therefore I am?), I can give you some insight into why I chose NYOne as my "handle". And yes, "Convoy" or some other such walkie-talkie-themed 70's novelty song should be playing in your head right now.
Back in the days of Jersey City [shudder] we had no NY 1. We relied on CNN Headline News for news blurbs shorter than most car commercials (ADD-the chicken or the egg?). Oh sure, the news was all "important" and "worldly" but frankly most of it took place too far away for me to really care. But then we moved to the isle-an of Manhatt and lo and behold there it was. NY 1. News so local, they literally have a segment just for "The World Beyond New York". Please, as if such a thing existed. There is no news beyond the West Side Stadium, the Democratic mayoral primary race or social promotion in public schools! But I'm off topic. The real, true and only important reason I love NY 1 is:
Pat Kiernan, Dreamboat Canadian Anchor.
Pat Kiernan's humor is drier than Bob Newport at the Sands. Sometimes, you're not really sure if he's making fun of someone or not. Chances are, he is. Especially if it's the Jerry Lewis to his Deano, Roger Clark. But Pat also works solo, too. Nowhere does he shine brighter than "In the Papers", the segment where he holds up today's Post or Times and points out articles of interest. It comes on at :42 after the hour. Sure, he hits the major headlines and likes playing up the feud between the Post and the Daily News, especially over Scratch-N-Match-gate. (Sorry no link; the articles are too old). I also saw him almost lose it one day when Lindsay Lohan was mentioned 4 times in 3 consecutive pages of the Post. He had little post-its on the page margins and it was the cutest fit of righteous indignation I've seen since, well, Summer this entire past season on the O.C. But the greatest moment in the history of local news morning shows came when, in reference to what article I have no recollection, Pat Kiernan started singing "Stranded at the Drive-In" from Grease. Squee! If you have never heard Pat speak in his rather stenorian tones, you might not understand just how amazing it was to hear him burst into song. Ok, "burst" may be too strong of a word to describe Pat's style; it was more of a jazzy riff.
He'll be on vacay next week (NO, I am not a stalker, he mentioned it during a recap of an editorial about LaGuardia airport) so Kristen Shaugnessey, aka White Bread Wondermuffin, will probably be filling in the morning anchor slot. Skip it. Wait for Pat to return and then watch, with the volume up a notch to catch the little grumblings and asides he throws in. You too, will come to know and love Pat Kiernan, DCA, as I have.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Oh, those summer nights

Well, hello. I am back and sufficiently recovered from my weekend. Yesterday was spent staring at emails and reading Veronica Mars episode recaps in a fuzzy daze, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
We spent another lovely weekend in Callicoon, just the Feeyoncé and me. Casualties: a very large bowl of homemade guacamole, 2 bags of tortilla chips, a pound of swordfish, 8 hot dogs, 12 bottles of Bass and {sigh}, one ill-placed wine glass. If I say it was resting on the side of the hot tub, will you have less sympathy for me?
We had the brilliant notion to drive back Monday morning. At 7:00am. Highlights included a groggy stop for gas where I stumbled through the Qwik Mart looking for Tropicana OJ and Pop Tarts (2 strikes). We made it, albeit 2 hours late, which at least had the helpful effect of shortening the day.
On a tangent, did I ever tell you that as a kid, I used to think "albeit" was "I'll be it" and I could never quite wrap my head around how that worked? Once I saw it in print, the puzzle pieces fell into place and it may be one of my favorite words. I love it when you figure out a word's spelling, pronunciation and proper usage. "Ostensibly" is another one. "Disingenuous" is a word I will always hate for showing up on the SATs when I didn't know what it meant.
Aaand, we're back on topic! So the weekend was beautiful and to cap it all off we went to Lombardi's for pizza last night. I know I'm not breaking any culinary news with this report, but the pizza really was so good. There is clearly crack in sauce recipe.
In the interest of time and relevance, I will wrap up this post and return later with the usual - random observations and rants and possibly some tips for drafting your '05 fantasy football team. TO is in, Brett Favre is out for doing a freakin' Sensodyne ad (you cannot get dorkier than Sensodyne. What, Selsun Blue wasn't available?) and Peyton Manning is soooo 5 minutes ago. Eli's coming and this is his year! (Ok, actually Eli is here and made some nice starts last year, but there are no songs with that as a title.)

Friday, July 29, 2005

coming clean

Via I want you all to be strong, because what I have to say may come as a shock. It appears, at the moment, that there is an indication (steady now) that MTV's Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County may not, in fact, be 100% real.
Whew, I've had myself a good cry and splashed my face with cold water. I'm a little shaky still, but ready to face the world again.

BTW, if the show is entirely scripted, those are some of the best actors out there. Kristen in Cabbo vs. Marissa in Tijuana? Dancing on the bar beats popping pills any day. Now all they need is for Hillary Duff to perform at prom and the circle will be complete.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Babe, don't you know its a pity the days can't be like the nights...

NYC-it's like furnace out there. We should be allowed heat days, the same way we get snow days. And, no, we don't get many snow days in New York and no, it is not quite as hot here as in other places, but still. The subway platforms are brutal enough to justify staying home with the AC blasting.
Here are some positive things about summer, albeit mostly alcohol-related and some slightly douchey. I'd add fresh fruit for homemade margaritas to the list and remove the reference to Milk and Honey. [insert eye roll] Hello, the new too cool for school place that you can't get into is La Esquina. I love, love, love anyone busting on Daily Candy. Which of course I still get.
So what am I doing personally to get through this ludicrous weather? Several very exciting things:

  • finally watching Veronica Mars. So good, wish I had freakin' gotten around to getting TiVo so I could have been recording these all summer. And then I could have taken a heat day and watched the whole season in order.
  • Drinking insane amount of Moby's Teany bottled iced tea. At $2 a bottle, it's a more than a Diet Coke, but less than a Frappachino and I find myself obsessed with the cool, minimalist packaging and funny label blurbs. All the flavors are reliably good; the regular old iced tea with lemon is my favorite and I also highly recommend the white tea with pomegranate. In general, I have a strong predilection for bottled beverages. I love picturing my house on an episode of MTV Cribs and instead of having Heinekin and Corona like every single person on that show, I would have:

Starbucks Double Shot

Teany in 3 or 4 flavors

Diet Coke and Diet Vanilla Coke (obvies)

Silk Chocolate Soy Milk

All arranged perfectly so that the labels are facing forward and in alphabetical order.

(what am I writing this post about? scroll up...oh yes, how I am getting through the summer. Ever go to a movie and the trailers are so long that when the opening credits start you forget what movie you're seeing?)

  • Looking ahead to my trip to Germany! And practicing for all of the beer-soaked days at Oktoberfest. What, you don't think Lance Armstrong just waits to get on his bike for the Tour? No, he trains far in advance. That's what I was doing Sunday night (homemade fresh-fruit margaritas). Training. Prost!
  • Not posting enough on this blog. My bad.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Words I am too old to still employ, but regularly do

  1. Wicked, as in "it's wicked hot outside", "I hear Wedding Crashers is supposed to be wicked funny" or the ideal usage, "Joey McIntyre was wicked awesome on Dancing With the Stars"
  2. Retarded as in " the line for the new Harry Potter book was retarded, so we ordered it online instead. It's a wicked long book"
  3. Gay, in the 3rd grade sense of "Bowling is totally gay" (except, of course, that bowling is wicked fun.)
  4. Duh, or for a truly juvenile flashback, doye (pronounced "doy-EE") or no doye. "Duh. John Roberts is totally not related to Julia Roberts. What are you, retarded?"

Run, Forest, Run

Yes, ok, I haven't posted anything since last Friday. It's possible that I've been very busy at work! Possible in that whole monkeys-could-type-Hamlet kind of way, but possible none the less.
Moving on, unless you are being paid millions of dollars to do it, running in public is just never, ever cool. Jogging is fine. Jogging is Nike Dri-Weave shorts, a t-shirt from your alma matter and a mini-iPod in your armband. Running is oh-shit-I-am-so-late for the 6:34 to New Haven. Travel bag banging at your side and legs flailing back like you are going to kick yourself in the ass.
Stepping outside my office into the hallway yesterday afternoon, I caught someone running. And then they had to slow down, gradually, into the "Running? Who, me? No way dude I was totally just walking sort of quickly" pace. Into the bathroom.
Perhaps this is a location joke in that you had to be there, but I found it wicked funny. Which brings me to my next topic...

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Roundup: Emmy nods

Emmy nominations were announced this morning. Highlights include:
Sandra Oh for Grey's Anatomy-I love this show. Granted, I would watch Patrick Dempsey practicing his penmanship if it was on TV
Terry O'Quinn for Lost-The flashback to him with hair was amazing.
Jason Bateman for Arrested Development-happy for him, though my real crush is on Will Arnett. Hot and funny-damn you, Amy Poehler!
Hugh Laurie for House-"Jeeves, whatever could be wrong with this patient? Is is the dreaded Aunt-itis? My word, how unpleasant! Fetch me some narcotics, would you old chap?" "Certainly, sir"
With Scrubs also getting a nod for Best Comedy Series but no repeat nom for CSI, the motto this year seems to be, "Doctors rule, cops drool"

West Wing for Outstanding Drama-resurgence, my ass. No Lowe, no go. Time to Kevorkian this show.
Doris Roberts for Everyone Loves Raymond-I go off about how this show derives 90% of its comedy from portraying the mothers as nagging, critical harpies and the fathers as luckless, incompetent twits, reinforcing negative stereotypes and reusing bad "no sex for you" jokes...but I won't. Suffice to say that Doris Roberts is the least likeable old person on TV and when you consider things like Andy Rooney and the O'Reilly factor, that's saying something.
Victor Garber, unfortunately for a one-shot on Will & Grace (the lowlight part) instead of Alias, where he manages to make Jack Bristow so eeevil and yet so awesome at the same time. I'd kill to see him go up against Treat Williams (Everwood) for Best Lead Actor in a Drama. They would tie and then be forced into a sing-off from their respective bad movie versions of 60's musicals. Sure Treat was groovy as Berger, anti-war activist and hippie hottie in Hair, but c'mon. You can't beat Jesus.
And can someone explain to me how two women from Two and a Half Men are in the Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy category?? No, of course I don't watch that show. It's on CBS for chrissakes. But you're telling me two people from a CBS sitcom are funnier than...wait, hang, I don't think I watch any regular sitcoms any more. How about Austin from Project Runway? In any event, Eva Longoria and Nicolette Sheridan are going to F those B's up. This is their category-you betta watch yo' backs!

*Lazy Blogger Alert-yes, I could have linked to various source for info on the aforementioned actors and shows. Seriously, though, just hit E! Online. The channel is fairly useless (and always 3 times louder than any other channel for some unknown reason) but the website is decent.

Flickr presents: Things I Will Not Be Doing at My Wedding

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Diet Vanilla Coke and the other things filling up my afternoon

Diet Vanilla Coke, or the DVC, as I like to call it, is one of the finest products to be introduced since maybe wine in a box. It's like diet cream soda, only it tastes good. Just add vodka for instant desert! (This also works with chocolate soy milk)
Just found the Waiter Rant and lost an hour of my day. Laughed out loud at one post in particular.
In the spirit of MUG's Hump Day, here some other time-wasting websites I recommend:
  • Overheard in New York: Addictive, but the bright blue screen will have you seeing funny.
  • Movie Spoiler: Because you're really not going to see Fantastic 4, but you want to be able to trash it as if you had.
  • Emedco: Am I the only one who loves printed barricade tape, photoluminescent exit signs and gravity-feed eyewash stations? Really? Oh...I guess so. It's better in catalog form, I swear.

If I remember, I'll try to make this a regular Wednesday feature.


On a separate note, I am seeing a play tonight, Swimming in the Shallows, that stars Ryan's ne'er do well ex-con brother Trey! How sweet is that? I am totally going to ask him if Marissa's going to jail (unlikely, no matter how much the show would improve in MB's absence).

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

What's new, pussycat?

Sometimes I really love my job. And in order to keep it, I have removed all identifying details regarding the following actual letter, describing a potential event:

This year, we have come up with a concept that we think will top our previous promotions. We are producing the first-ever reality show starring cats. The basic premise is as follows:

10 cats from animal shelters around the country will live together in a specially-designed house (a la Real World)

The house will be equipped with multiple web cameras so that viewers have 24/7 access to the action inside the house via a dedicated website

Every few days, viewers will vote to eliminate one cat from the house (who will then be adopted to a permanent home), until a winner is crowned

Professional comedy writers will write commentary, create contrived conflict within the house and lend a distinct personality to each cat

This two-week promotion will culminate in a televised show satirizing the themes found in popular reality shows. Think of it as a cross between Big Brother and Best in Show.

Under normal circumstances, I would let this stand, maybe with just a "I loved this show...when it was called 'Crazy Old Lady Down the Street'" or "Well, I've seen worse". However, I can't help but feel strongly that my cat Bernie would be perfect for this. You see, Bernie can't walk very well. His head and his ass shake independent of each other when he stands still. He falls over a lot. He could be the Timmy, or the Michael J. Fox of the house. Y'know, different, but inspiring. Plus with "normal" cats, you're just going to end up with a lot of nothing, but with Bernie you've got built-in funny. Who needs "professional comedy writers" when you have pure comic gold like a cat toppling ass over end off the coffee table? Of course, I wouldn't want him to get voted off and then adopted by some random hippie do-gooder (who the hell else would want a gimpy cat?). I just wish I'd thought of this whole cat-reality-show thing first.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Bringing all the boys to the yard

7-11 has opened in NYC and just in time, as they are celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Slurpee with free samples. I went through a Slurpee phase in college, but I think it was just an excuse to drive 20 minutes off campus for a change of scenery. Meanwhile though, I still secrectly believe Lanie's theory that you get your 44 oz Big Gulp in the morning and you've got all the nutrients you need for the day.

Your Summer Reading List

Two very cool events at the Borders Columbus Circle. Please guess which one I am more likely to be seen at:
1.) I hear this guy is like, actually good. Wasn't Seth reading his book last season before the prom?

2.) OMG! OMG! OMG! I hear Ron and Hermione totally get it on in this one!

That's correct, I am clearly not "literary" enough for someone that Seth Cohen would read. Wait, hang on. It says here he writes about Saved by the Bell episodes. Oh man, I am so down with that!

Good morning, Starshine

The Weekend in Review:
Friday-Oh, it began well enough, certainly. Saigon Grill surpassed expectations and we were well taken care of at the usual watering hole. Somewhere between the Miller Lite and TV theme song sing-along, things get a little fuzzy. I'm told darts were played and I have yet to find an explanation for the Bo Bice mp3s that appeared on my desktop.
Pretty much an ideal evening.

Saturday-In the 12 waking hours I managed, the Yankees tough loss was soothed with horchata, Sliding Doors and possibly the most underated teen comedy of the late 90's, Drive Me Crazy. If you can get past Melissa Joan Hart's one droopy eye (no worse than Katie Holmes seemingly stroke-induced half smile) and the constantly changing length of her hair (in the course of one day), you'll find one of the better written movies in this genre not based on Shakespeare. Not as well constructed as 10 Things I Hate About You, but way more enjoyable than She's All That. NB: written by the guy who now does Veronica Mars and is enjoying solo sucess away from his band.

Sunday-Began inauspiciously enough, but after a Yankee win and a rousing meal of moules frites and crepes, we discovered a treasure. For fear of this place turning into the next Bohemian Beer Hall, I'm sworn to secrecy. I can say this: it's more conveniently located for me, and less scene-y, than here, but the views are just as good.

It's going to be a long week...this post took me three hours to write and is mildly diverting at best. Then again, so is this, and I assume that dude got paid.

Friday, July 08, 2005

An Open Letter to the females of New York City

Ladies, I want to first say that I completely understand your plight. Fashion is a bitch-ever elusive, often unflattering and rarely comfortable. So when flip-flops became acceptable footwear beyond the beach and outside of the dorm room shower, many of you rejoiced. Black flip flops with black skirts, red flip flops with multi-color peasant skirts and white flip flops with all manner of mini skirts became ubiquitous on the sidewalks of New York. Fine. You are aware, of course, that the only thing separating your foot from the communal treadway/trash can/toilet we like to call a sidewalk is a half-inch of rubber. In normal, pleasant summer conditions this is acceptable and I've even shuffled all the way to the Duane Reade in my own pink, hand-me-down Old Navy pair of flip flops.
HOWEVER, it is raining today. All day today. This is not one of those New England 5-minute weather rule rains, this is a veritable monsoon brought on by a weather system so formidable they had to give it a name. And there is simply nothing grosser than walking behind you and your squelchy feet getting wetter and dirtier with every crosswalk.
Please, for my sake if not your own, put on some some freakin' wellies to keep your now-skanky toes out of the puddles and out of my sight. You can thank me later.

California, here we come

Yes! Yes! Yes! Laguna Beach is finally coming back! Oh, the drama-will Kristin and Stephen get back together (of course), will L.C. and Stephen hook up (probably), will any of the other people have worthwhile storylines (doubtful), will we get to hear Morgan sing again (oh how I hope so)????
Monday, July 25th-viewing party at my place! Should we make it a Black and White Semi-Formal? Tiffany bracelets optional, bitchy attitude absolutely required.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

I was always rooting for Brian Krakow anyway

Jared Leto not looking so good.

Signs of the Appocalypse: Summer Edition

1. People not only watched, but LOVED this show. I can't believe I missed it.
2. Earliest start to a hurricane season on record. Or something.
3. Mariah Carey's body-makeup malfunction. (short scroll down, 8th item or so)
4. Derek Jeter no longer baseball's golden boy. Hmm, I somehow blame Mariah Carey for this one, too.
5. You thought stealing ideas from anonymous blogs was bad...

Because there is only so much to go around

The Observer has a great piece that fully supports my self-imposed ban on crossing Fifth Avenue anywhere above 14th St. Although the IJC got there first, and way funnier. And he is rightfully PO'd to not have received any credit. This shit is getting rampant.

Via Curbed and Gawker. What, you think I find this stuff on my own?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Nice Rack!

Ok, follow me on this one...I subscribe to the ad-industry newsletters at work, even though I do not, in actuality, work in the ad industry. But they're interesting and occasionally funny and it feels like work, even when I'm reading about the Saatchi 17 walking off the Cheerios account en masse. (And I knew about that waaay before the New York Magazine article). Ahem. There is one newsletter in particular, Magazine Rack, that is usually freakin hillarious. (If you are interested, start with this one.) I'm not sure what the actual point of this column is, but it makes me laugh. Out loud. So, imagine my ire when this comes in to my Inbox today.

First of all, and this is much less the egregious offence, Magazine Rack has already covered Luxury Spa Finder. But most importantly, who is this Rachel Lehmann-Haupt and why is her writing wholly devoid of wit (or snark)? I will concede that Larry Dobrow occasionally veered off-topic and into personal ruminations, but this dry-as-sawdust replacement will not do. I was suspect when Alynda Wheat replaced Dalton Ross as the writer for Entertainment Weekly’s “What to Watch” column, but she proved to be a worthy successor. I do not foresee the same fate for Ms. L-H. Count me unsubscribed unless the funny comes back.

Someday my prints will come...

...when my writing is as funny as this. First the blog, then the 6-episode treatment for my sitcom based on life in Newport, NJ (likely title: "If You Lived Here..." in tribute to the sign hanging from the side of the building. Ah, the good old days at Tom Jeff!) and then finally, the e-pistolary novel, told entirely in e-mail format. Shout out to the Bronte sistas!

Nice and Easy

Wow, long time, no blog! Miss me? Yes, well, I had a beautiful weekend in Callicoon NY over the Fourth of July holiday. Swimming, biking, laying out in the sun without incurring a third degree burn; it was all fabulous. We had perfect freakin' weather and MH and I could not have had a better time. Our hostess is a great cook and we had wine from the vineyard where the wedding will be! I know, so cute, right? Which brings me to my next topic (and the title of the post). I think "Nice and Easy" by Frank Sinatra is going to be our theme for the wedding. Not necessarily the first dance (maybe even the last one) but just a general mood-setter, to remind ourselves not to stress or freak out when the catering bill comes in at $800,000. (hyperbole alert)
Last night, I met up with some fellow Uconn Drama Alums for drinks at Divine Bar. Nice, if pricey. Good times, though, and I hope we can get more people out next time. I have all of this "insider perspective" from my time with the talent manager and no one to foster it on! My life is not fulfilling without someone to boss around and MH can only take so much.
There's the personal update for this week...on to the interesting stuff!

Friday, July 01, 2005

Friday cram

So since I will be away for the long weekend, I guess I'm working extra hard to get some stuff up. Also my iced grande latte seems to have kicked my glucose deficieny in the ass, so now I'm all wired.
In completley unrelated news, this could be the cutest thing ever.

Must be all those Hummer owners

I'm still new at this, but it's surprisingly harder than I'd imagined. Of course, every now and then you get thrown a bone...
(first paragraph only. you think I have the attention span for anything more?)
In the spirit of Al Hirschfeld, I'm calling this one...penis6

Sky Rockets in Flight!

Mmm, had a Jamba Juice this afternoon. V yummy, but am now facing the inevitable crash in blood sugar. While this is ususally a nice Friday pick-me-up, no luck today. Maybe a nap at the World Wide Plaza courtyard instead?

Oh Mah Gawd

Or better yet, as Summer would say, "Ew!"

Thursday, June 30, 2005


Can't say I'm actually surprised, and I almost looked for another site to link to, since E! insisted on mentioning the f**king Red Sox. . I remember the good old days, when Ben out-funnied Robin Williams on Oprah and Jen was Noel's glasses-sporting music nerd ex. Kids...they grow up so fast!

Pulled Apart: an installation

I have a slight obsession with mangling paper clips, staples, and other malleable office supplies. I just yanked out wire binding from a presentation and am now joyfully experimenting with the resulting twisty wire mess. Bracelet? Belt? Plant decoration? Clearly, the wire has more potential and more aesthetic value now than when it was doing what it was "supposed" to do. All in all, its a metaphor for life and how unexpected events, even traumatic ones that take us off our charted course, can reshape us into more beautiful, capable and resilient human beings.
When I get better at this, I will post pictures of the aforementioned wire coil and some of my older paper clip pieces.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Aw, crap, what have I started?

At the behest of many a friend and mostly to stroke my own ego, I am starting a blog. Yes, yes, contain yourself. You no longer need to wait for rambling emails or desperate Evites to enjoy my rants and raves. They'll all be collected in one handy-dandy place, updated as frequently as lulls in my workday will allow. I'll keep this first one short, as I need to play around with formatting and whatnot, so that I don't look like the hopeless amateur I am. In the meantime, I'll take input on that title. I'm not exactly sure what it means yet, but I like the sound. Clearly, I'd be crap at poetry or song lyrics-brevity has never been my strong suit.