to gym or not to gym

Me: 5' 2", 128 lbs, surprisingly decent muscle tone, pudgy tummy.
Inner Me (IM): My conscience
Scene: 5:02pm on a Tuesday afternoon

IM: We are so ready for the gym tonight! iPod charged, bag packed and yummy salad for dinner already waiting at home.

Me: Yeah, I really think we need to revise those plans...

IM: Oh no you don't. The Yankees don't play till 10:00pm, Veronica Mars isn't on until tomorrow and you're already posting to your blog. You have NO EXCUSE not to go.

Me: Um, I really need to do laundry?

IM: True, but not a good enough excuse. You can do laundry while you watch Veronica Mars tomorrow night.

Me: Ooo, I really need to buy birthday cards: for the Feyonce, his parents and also for my parents anniv-

IM: Lame. Not buying it, fatso.

Me: Excuse me? I am out of shape no doubt, but certainly not fat.

IM: Whatevs. You are still totally going to the gym tonight. It's important to establish good habits now, especially before you go pig out in Germany.

Me: I will be eating some of the best food ever with my family there! Sure, none of it involves vegetables...

IM: Exactly. And don't change the subject.

Me: What if I promise to go Wednesday and Thursday...and to walk on the treadmill at home over the weekend?

IM: Who are you trying to kid? You'll skip Wednesday to sit home and sqee for two hours in anticipation of the aforementioned Veronica Mars. Thursday you need to pack for the weekend. And the treadmill at home? Will that be before or after you get around to cleaning out the junk underneath your bed? You. Are Going. To. The. Gym. Tonight.

IM: Tubby.

Me: There you go with the name calling again! Just for that, I'm not going. I don't want to, the Feyonce didn't pack his stuff, it might probably rain and if it doesn't it'll be too humid outside, and I'm tired! So there. You might be the one with the strong moral fiber and will of iron but I'm the one who controls the legs. Ha!

IM: You can buy yourself a pen afterwards if you go. From Staples...

Me: Ok.

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post for the sake of a post

Because I have been working to post more regularly, here is an entirely random recap of the weekend and today's musings:

• Went to Callicoon, did not break anything. Score! Sucked at pool. Billiards, like bowling and darts, require the participant to be exactly one-and-a-half beers in for peak performance. It's a fine line, but I'm proud to report that my failures came from being on the under side of that equation, rather than the over. For a change.
• VMA Report: loved Green Day, wanted to love Kelly Clarkson more but wish she still had brown hair and boobs. Loved that My Chemical Romance was shut out. I hate, hate, hate this band and nothing was funnier than watching their faces every time they lost. You know they were banking on the MTV2 award and then the antler-boy video stole it out from under them. Hilarious. Also hilarious: Diddy's nekkid, 2-yr old butt. (Can't find photo to link, sorry.) OMG, and "Kunta Combs". I swear I will try to find this picture tomorrow.
• VMA Fashion Report. This pretty much covers it.
• Pat Kiernan sang again this morning! I can't tell you how much it makes my week when he croons a showtune snippet. Today it was an article about Maria Sharapova, and the headline was, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" The fact that the song is intended for nuns only makes it that much better. {sigh}

Who can that attractive girl be?

What is it with men and skirts?

Ok. The Fed-Ex guy, who already calls me "sweetheart" and rolls up his sleeve to show off suntan lines, said I looked very pretty today. Nice enough compliment, and I thanked him. The thing is, I think I look basically the same today as I did yesterday and the day before that. Certainly, from the waist up, my outfit is identical because I wear the same white hoodie every day in my sub-zero office. The only difference, as you may have inferred, is that today I am wearing a skirt. Knee-length grey pleated, vaguely cheerleader-esque, but not overtly sexy. Thanks to my Mary Hart table-as-desk, you can see my legs underneath. No pantless days for me, sadly. My question is, what is it about skirts and dresses that people (not just men) automatically think you look prettier in them? What if I was wearing shorts and showing the same amount of leg? I am not on a feminist, anti-skirt rant here. I actually refused to wear pants at all for a stretch of time somewhere around kindergarten. This is a social-anthropological thesis question. If my hair, make-up, body type and generic fashion sense are all unchanged, why does a skirt make everyone say, "You look pretty today"?
Again, this is not a rant. And, apologies, it's also not particularly funny. But it is something that has nagged at the back of my mind and I wanted to put it out into the cosmos. Meanwhile, my knees are cold.

Like swimmin' holes and brimmin' bowls of cereal made from stone

For the first time in probably 3 or 4 years, I had a Pop Tart today. Man, it just brought me right back. I had two major Pop Tart phases in my life:
Early childhood-a big fan of the fruit flavors, I was afraid to eat them "raw". I saw someone at my daycare do it and it blew me away. I'm pretty sure it was still a few years before I attempted the feat myself.
College-Pop Tart revival brought on by the S'mores flavor. My teeth sort of hurt now just thinking about how sweet those were, but every morning as I drove my dented, purple Princessmobile into my illict faculty parking spot (thanks, Dad!) I scarfed a S'mores Pop Tot and washed it down with Earl Grey or Irish Breakfast tea. Good times.

Bad, bad, bad blogger

Ok, I know I have been totally lame and not posting regularly at all. See, I have this whole dealy-bob called a "job" and it completley sucks up my free time between 9:00AM and 6:00PM. What's that you say? Blog "after hours", like when I'm home? But I'm usually very busy watching the Yankees lose! (Yes, technically with Felix Escalona's bases-loaded single in the bottom of the 9th last night, the Yanks took sole possesion of the AL wild card lead. But still. I expect a bigger ROI on a $200 million payroll than squeaking into the wild card lead). And I have other commitments, like hanging with my friends. You know; Linds, Rachie, Joni, Marissa, Summer, Veronica Mars, Sydney, etc. I am a very popular girl.
But nevertheless, I have neglected my blogging duties and no one is going to give me a book deal for a sparse blog. So, I am committed to posting daily whenever possible. Oo, except this weekend when I will be lazing in the Delaware River on an inner-tube, beer in hand. Yeah. But other than that, seriously you guys, I promise to be better.
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On another note, raise your hand if you are hungover. _:{ Really, just me? Damn.

Real men of genius

This will be short, and probably not funny as I have come down with a mild case of retardation and can't come up with anything particularly witty, relevant or frankly even timely to share with you. However, thank God for the Daily Show. Monday night's interview with Steve Carrell was sheer genius. The beginning was 3 minutes of silence-just awkward pauses* and synchronized water-sipping.
* Can you have a pause in silence? I guess by definition that would be talking or noise...and in this case, there was some throat-clearing and shuffling of paper, so I stand by my linguistically-challenged sentence.

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What happened to Hillary Duff? Anyone? On Leno Monday night she was wearing a black wig and a rejected outfit from Mrs. Mia Wallace's closet. At the Teen Choice awards last night, besides sporting the dinosaur-head ponytail that so many girls who missed the 80's the first time are prone to, she looked...well, horsey. There's no other word for it. All the baby fat is gone from her face and the result is a cross between Carley Simon and oh, christ, I don't know something blond with googly eyes. I told you this wasn't going to be funny. I'll come back later when the Vitamin DC and KinderChocolate have kicked in.

Action Caaaaats!

So much for the caniculares dies of summer - it is all about cats right now. Evidence:

• Stuff on My Cat, which I have been religiously visiting since July, now having been linked to death everywhere else in the blogosphere is in need of $$. I am seriously thinking of contributing.
• Also found this amazing photo set on Flickr. It makes me miss the days when my cat could chase the koosh-ball-on-a-wire toy up the wall. Now he's more likely to chase it straight into the wall.
• Thundercats Season 1: Now on DVD. Ho!

Best Show Ever

I wish I had a screen grab or some kind of link to prove this, but you'll just have to to trust me on this. Um, what's clearly the funniest show on VH1? Sorry, I meant intentionally funny, so not "Celebrity Fit Club". Right, "Best Week Ever". What could possibly make that show funnier? Why, an appearance by PAT KIERNAN, DCA, of course!! He talked about the new Battlestar Galactica on Sci-Fi Channel and one other topic (I was too busy squee-ing to pay attention to what he was commenting on).
I mean, sure I watched Studio 7 for the 2 days it was on the air. Of course I thought about seeing "The Interpreter" just for his likely 20 second cameo. (I thought better of it, but still.) And "Best Week Ever" is no " Hollywood Squares". Still, I'm starting to wonder if I need to start a seperate blog dedicated to hearting PK...ah, who has the time?

In other news, the weekend update will be coming eventually, though I really wanted to include pictures but have not yet dedicated the 15 minutes to learning how to do that. ADD...a blessing and a curse.

Queer as a $2 Playbill

My prediction? This show is now going to close faster than Audrey II around a fresh piece of meat.

NYOne by the numbers

Diet Cokes consumed today: 2
Hairsyles I have had since lunch: 4
Ponytail holders used in aforementioned hairstyles: 2
Links visited from my "Favorites/News" folder: 1
Links visited from my "Favorites/Blogs" folder: 5
Musical theatre references made by Gawker in the past few weeks (that I caught): 3*
Phone calls answered: 65
Percent of callers I was fake-nice to: 35
Percent of callers I was actually nice to: 62
Times I drifted off, daydreaming about Pat Kiernan, DCA: 1
Money spent on lunch: $6.95
Money spent at Staples: $361.02
Hours it took me to finish this post: .83

It's Friday, people. The funny is working summer hours.


UPDATE: Moves it took me to solve this: 88. New High Score, bi-otch!!







*since I know I'm the only drama geek here: Chorus Line, Man of LaMancha and Little Night Music Only one reference is not in the post title. I'm sure there are more I have missed.

Hopelessly Devoted

While I may never be able to fully explain the title of this blog (um, I really...like...coffee? I caffinate therefore I am?), I can give you some insight into why I chose NYOne as my "handle". And yes, "Convoy" or some other such walkie-talkie-themed 70's novelty song should be playing in your head right now.
Back in the days of Jersey City [shudder] we had no NY 1. We relied on CNN Headline News for news blurbs shorter than most car commercials (ADD-the chicken or the egg?). Oh sure, the news was all "important" and "worldly" but frankly most of it took place too far away for me to really care. But then we moved to the isle-an of Manhatt and lo and behold there it was. NY 1. News so local, they literally have a segment just for "The World Beyond New York". Please, as if such a thing existed. There is no news beyond the West Side Stadium, the Democratic mayoral primary race or social promotion in public schools! But I'm off topic. The real, true and only important reason I love NY 1 is:
Pat Kiernan, Dreamboat Canadian Anchor.
Pat Kiernan's humor is drier than Bob Newport at the Sands. Sometimes, you're not really sure if he's making fun of someone or not. Chances are, he is. Especially if it's the Jerry Lewis to his Deano, Roger Clark. But Pat also works solo, too. Nowhere does he shine brighter than "In the Papers", the segment where he holds up today's Post or Times and points out articles of interest. It comes on at :42 after the hour. Sure, he hits the major headlines and likes playing up the feud between the Post and the Daily News, especially over Scratch-N-Match-gate. (Sorry no link; the articles are too old). I also saw him almost lose it one day when Lindsay Lohan was mentioned 4 times in 3 consecutive pages of the Post. He had little post-its on the page margins and it was the cutest fit of righteous indignation I've seen since, well, Summer this entire past season on the O.C. But the greatest moment in the history of local news morning shows came when, in reference to what article I have no recollection, Pat Kiernan started singing "Stranded at the Drive-In" from Grease. Squee! If you have never heard Pat speak in his rather stenorian tones, you might not understand just how amazing it was to hear him burst into song. Ok, "burst" may be too strong of a word to describe Pat's style; it was more of a jazzy riff.
He'll be on vacay next week (NO, I am not a stalker, he mentioned it during a recap of an editorial about LaGuardia airport) so Kristen Shaugnessey, aka White Bread Wondermuffin, will probably be filling in the morning anchor slot. Skip it. Wait for Pat to return and then watch, with the volume up a notch to catch the little grumblings and asides he throws in. You too, will come to know and love Pat Kiernan, DCA, as I have.

Oh, those summer nights

Well, hello. I am back and sufficiently recovered from my weekend. Yesterday was spent staring at emails and reading Veronica Mars episode recaps in a fuzzy daze, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
We spent another lovely weekend in Callicoon, just the Feeyoncé and me. Casualties: a very large bowl of homemade guacamole, 2 bags of tortilla chips, a pound of swordfish, 8 hot dogs, 12 bottles of Bass and {sigh}, one ill-placed wine glass. If I say it was resting on the side of the hot tub, will you have less sympathy for me?
We had the brilliant notion to drive back Monday morning. At 7:00am. Highlights included a groggy stop for gas where I stumbled through the Qwik Mart looking for Tropicana OJ and Pop Tarts (2 strikes). We made it, albeit 2 hours late, which at least had the helpful effect of shortening the day.
On a tangent, did I ever tell you that as a kid, I used to think "albeit" was "I'll be it" and I could never quite wrap my head around how that worked? Once I saw it in print, the puzzle pieces fell into place and it may be one of my favorite words. I love it when you figure out a word's spelling, pronunciation and proper usage. "Ostensibly" is another one. "Disingenuous" is a word I will always hate for showing up on the SATs when I didn't know what it meant.
...
Aaand, we're back on topic! So the weekend was beautiful and to cap it all off we went to Lombardi's for pizza last night. I know I'm not breaking any culinary news with this report, but the pizza really was so good. There is clearly crack in sauce recipe.
In the interest of time and relevance, I will wrap up this post and return later with the usual - random observations and rants and possibly some tips for drafting your '05 fantasy football team. TO is in, Brett Favre is out for doing a freakin' Sensodyne ad (you cannot get dorkier than Sensodyne. What, Selsun Blue wasn't available?) and Peyton Manning is soooo 5 minutes ago. Eli's coming and this is his year! (Ok, actually Eli is here and made some nice starts last year, but there are no songs with that as a title.)

coming clean

Via Gawker...now I want you all to be strong, because what I have to say may come as a shock. It appears, at the moment, that there is an indication (steady now) that MTV's Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County may not, in fact, be 100% real.
Whew, I've had myself a good cry and splashed my face with cold water. I'm a little shaky still, but ready to face the world again.

BTW, if the show is entirely scripted, those are some of the best actors out there. Kristen in Cabbo vs. Marissa in Tijuana? Dancing on the bar beats popping pills any day. Now all they need is for Hillary Duff to perform at prom and the circle will be complete.

Babe, don't you know its a pity the days can't be like the nights...

NYC-it's like furnace out there. We should be allowed heat days, the same way we get snow days. And, no, we don't get many snow days in New York and no, it is not quite as hot here as in other places, but still. The subway platforms are brutal enough to justify staying home with the AC blasting.
Here are some positive things about summer, albeit mostly alcohol-related and some slightly douchey. I'd add fresh fruit for homemade margaritas to the list and remove the reference to Milk and Honey. [insert eye roll] Hello, the new too cool for school place that you can't get into is La Esquina. I love, love, love anyone busting on Daily Candy. Which of course I still get.
So what am I doing personally to get through this ludicrous weather? Several very exciting things:

• finally watching Veronica Mars. So good, wish I had freakin' gotten around to getting TiVo so I could have been recording these all summer. And then I could have taken a heat day and watched the whole season in order.
• Drinking insane amount of Moby's Teany bottled iced tea. At $2 a bottle, it's a more than a Diet Coke, but less than a Frappachino and I find myself obsessed with the cool, minimalist packaging and funny label blurbs. All the flavors are reliably good; the regular old iced tea with lemon is my favorite and I also highly recommend the white tea with pomegranate. In general, I have a strong predilection for bottled beverages. I love picturing my house on an episode of MTV Cribs and instead of having Heinekin and Corona like every single person on that show, I would have:

Starbucks Double Shot

Teany in 3 or 4 flavors

Diet Coke and Diet Vanilla Coke (obvies)

Silk Chocolate Soy Milk

All arranged perfectly so that the labels are facing forward and in alphabetical order.

(what am I writing this post about? scroll up...oh yes, how I am getting through the summer. Ever go to a movie and the trailers are so long that when the opening credits start you forget what movie you're seeing?)

• Looking ahead to my trip to Germany! And practicing for all of the beer-soaked days at Oktoberfest. What, you don't think Lance Armstrong just waits to get on his bike for the Tour? No, he trains far in advance. That's what I was doing Sunday night (homemade fresh-fruit margaritas). Training. Prost!
• Not posting enough on this blog. My bad.

Words I am too old to still employ, but regularly do

1. Wicked, as in "it's wicked hot outside", "I hear Wedding Crashers is supposed to be wicked funny" or the ideal usage, "Joey McIntyre was wicked awesome on Dancing With the Stars"
2. Retarded as in " the line for the new Harry Potter book was retarded, so we ordered it online instead. It's a wicked long book"
3. Gay, in the 3rd grade sense of "Bowling is totally gay" (except, of course, that bowling is wicked fun.)
4. Duh, or for a truly juvenile flashback, doye (pronounced "doy-EE") or no doye. "Duh. John Roberts is totally not related to Julia Roberts. What are you, retarded?"

Run, Forest, Run

Yes, ok, I haven't posted anything since last Friday. It's possible that I've been very busy at work! Possible in that whole monkeys-could-type-Hamlet kind of way, but possible none the less.
Moving on, unless you are being paid millions of dollars to do it, running in public is just never, ever cool. Jogging is fine. Jogging is Nike Dri-Weave shorts, a t-shirt from your alma matter and a mini-iPod in your armband. Running is oh-shit-I-am-so-late for the 6:34 to New Haven. Travel bag banging at your side and legs flailing back like you are going to kick yourself in the ass.
Stepping outside my office into the hallway yesterday afternoon, I caught someone running. And then they had to slow down, gradually, into the "Running? Who, me? No way dude I was totally just walking sort of quickly" pace. Into the bathroom.
Perhaps this is a location joke in that you had to be there, but I found it wicked funny. Which brings me to my next topic...

Roundup: Emmy nods

Emmy nominations were announced this morning. Highlights include:
Sandra Oh for Grey's Anatomy-I love this show. Granted, I would watch Patrick Dempsey practicing his penmanship if it was on TV
Terry O'Quinn for Lost-The flashback to him with hair was amazing.
Jason Bateman for Arrested Development-happy for him, though my real crush is on Will Arnett. Hot and funny-damn you, Amy Poehler!
Hugh Laurie for House-"Jeeves, whatever could be wrong with this patient? Is is the dreaded Aunt-itis? My word, how unpleasant! Fetch me some narcotics, would you old chap?" "Certainly, sir"
With Scrubs also getting a nod for Best Comedy Series but no repeat nom for CSI, the motto this year seems to be, "Doctors rule, cops drool"

Lowlights:
West Wing for Outstanding Drama-resurgence, my ass. No Lowe, no go. Time to Kevorkian this show.
Doris Roberts for Everyone Loves Raymond-I go off about how this show derives 90% of its comedy from portraying the mothers as nagging, critical harpies and the fathers as luckless, incompetent twits, reinforcing negative stereotypes and reusing bad "no sex for you" jokes...but I won't. Suffice to say that Doris Roberts is the least likeable old person on TV and when you consider things like Andy Rooney and the O'Reilly factor, that's saying something.
Victor Garber, unfortunately for a one-shot on Will & Grace (the lowlight part) instead of Alias, where he manages to make Jack Bristow so eeevil and yet so awesome at the same time. I'd kill to see him go up against Treat Williams (Everwood) for Best Lead Actor in a Drama. They would tie and then be forced into a sing-off from their respective bad movie versions of 60's musicals. Sure Treat was groovy as Berger, anti-war activist and hippie hottie in Hair, but c'mon. You can't beat Jesus.
And can someone explain to me how two women from Two and a Half Men are in the Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy category?? No, of course I don't watch that show. It's on CBS for chrissakes. But you're telling me two people from a CBS sitcom are funnier than...wait, hang on...hm, I don't think I watch any regular sitcoms any more. How about Austin from Project Runway? In any event, Eva Longoria and Nicolette Sheridan are going to F those B's up. This is their category-you betta watch yo' backs!

*Lazy Blogger Alert-yes, I could have linked to various source for info on the aforementioned actors and shows. Seriously, though, just hit E! Online. The channel is fairly useless (and always 3 times louder than any other channel for some unknown reason) but the website is decent.

Flickr presents: Things I Will Not Be Doing at My Wedding

• Hippie love-in
• "Artistic" wedding photos
• Anything to to with camping (tent in left corner)
• Get married on Disneyland's Tom Sawyer's Island
• Make an impromtu chupah from the curtains. (note the bare windows!)
• Give the underage kids screwdrivers...watch the hand, there buddy.
• Getting married at sunset on a tropical island. Gross.

Diet Vanilla Coke and the other things filling up my afternoon

Diet Vanilla Coke, or the DVC, as I like to call it, is one of the finest products to be introduced since maybe wine in a box. It's like diet cream soda, only it tastes good. Just add vodka for instant desert! (This also works with chocolate soy milk)
Just found the Waiter Rant and lost an hour of my day. Laughed out loud at one post in particular.
In the spirit of MUG's Hump Day, here some other time-wasting websites I recommend:

• Overheard in New York: Addictive, but the bright blue screen will have you seeing funny.
• Movie Spoiler: Because you're really not going to see Fantastic 4, but you want to be able to trash it as if you had.
• Emedco: Am I the only one who loves printed barricade tape, photoluminescent exit signs and gravity-feed eyewash stations? Really? Oh...I guess so. It's better in catalog form, I swear.

If I remember, I'll try to make this a regular Wednesday feature.

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On a separate note, I am seeing a play tonight, Swimming in the Shallows, that stars Ryan's ne'er do well ex-con brother Trey! How sweet is that? I am totally going to ask him if Marissa's going to jail (unlikely, no matter how much the show would improve in MB's absence).

What's new, pussycat?

Sometimes I really love my job. And in order to keep it, I have removed all identifying details regarding the following actual letter, describing a potential event:

This year, we have come up with a concept that we think will top our previous promotions. We are producing the first-ever reality show starring cats. The basic premise is as follows:

10 cats from animal shelters around the country will live together in a specially-designed house (a la Real World)

The house will be equipped with multiple web cameras so that viewers have 24/7 access to the action inside the house via a dedicated website

Every few days, viewers will vote to eliminate one cat from the house (who will then be adopted to a permanent home), until a winner is crowned

Professional comedy writers will write commentary, create contrived conflict within the house and lend a distinct personality to each cat

This two-week promotion will culminate in a televised show satirizing the themes found in popular reality shows. Think of it as a cross between Big Brother and Best in Show.

Under normal circumstances, I would let this stand, maybe with just a "I loved this show...when it was called 'Crazy Old Lady Down the Street'" or "Well, I've seen worse". However, I can't help but feel strongly that my cat Bernie would be perfect for this. You see, Bernie can't walk very well. His head and his ass shake independent of each other when he stands still. He falls over a lot. He could be the Timmy, or the Michael J. Fox of the house. Y'know, different, but inspiring. Plus with "normal" cats, you're just going to end up with a lot of nothing, but with Bernie you've got built-in funny. Who needs "professional comedy writers" when you have pure comic gold like a cat toppling ass over end off the coffee table? Of course, I wouldn't want him to get voted off and then adopted by some random hippie do-gooder (who the hell else would want a gimpy cat?). I just wish I'd thought of this whole cat-reality-show thing first.