coming clean

Via Gawker...now I want you all to be strong, because what I have to say may come as a shock. It appears, at the moment, that there is an indication (steady now) that MTV's Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County may not, in fact, be 100% real.
Whew, I've had myself a good cry and splashed my face with cold water. I'm a little shaky still, but ready to face the world again.

BTW, if the show is entirely scripted, those are some of the best actors out there. Kristen in Cabbo vs. Marissa in Tijuana? Dancing on the bar beats popping pills any day. Now all they need is for Hillary Duff to perform at prom and the circle will be complete.

Babe, don't you know its a pity the days can't be like the nights...

NYC-it's like furnace out there. We should be allowed heat days, the same way we get snow days. And, no, we don't get many snow days in New York and no, it is not quite as hot here as in other places, but still. The subway platforms are brutal enough to justify staying home with the AC blasting.
Here are some positive things about summer, albeit mostly alcohol-related and some slightly douchey. I'd add fresh fruit for homemade margaritas to the list and remove the reference to Milk and Honey. [insert eye roll] Hello, the new too cool for school place that you can't get into is La Esquina. I love, love, love anyone busting on Daily Candy. Which of course I still get.
So what am I doing personally to get through this ludicrous weather? Several very exciting things:

• finally watching Veronica Mars. So good, wish I had freakin' gotten around to getting TiVo so I could have been recording these all summer. And then I could have taken a heat day and watched the whole season in order.
• Drinking insane amount of Moby's Teany bottled iced tea. At $2 a bottle, it's a more than a Diet Coke, but less than a Frappachino and I find myself obsessed with the cool, minimalist packaging and funny label blurbs. All the flavors are reliably good; the regular old iced tea with lemon is my favorite and I also highly recommend the white tea with pomegranate. In general, I have a strong predilection for bottled beverages. I love picturing my house on an episode of MTV Cribs and instead of having Heinekin and Corona like every single person on that show, I would have:

Starbucks Double Shot

Teany in 3 or 4 flavors

Diet Coke and Diet Vanilla Coke (obvies)

Silk Chocolate Soy Milk

All arranged perfectly so that the labels are facing forward and in alphabetical order.

(what am I writing this post about? scroll up...oh yes, how I am getting through the summer. Ever go to a movie and the trailers are so long that when the opening credits start you forget what movie you're seeing?)

• Looking ahead to my trip to Germany! And practicing for all of the beer-soaked days at Oktoberfest. What, you don't think Lance Armstrong just waits to get on his bike for the Tour? No, he trains far in advance. That's what I was doing Sunday night (homemade fresh-fruit margaritas). Training. Prost!
• Not posting enough on this blog. My bad.

Words I am too old to still employ, but regularly do

1. Wicked, as in "it's wicked hot outside", "I hear Wedding Crashers is supposed to be wicked funny" or the ideal usage, "Joey McIntyre was wicked awesome on Dancing With the Stars"
2. Retarded as in " the line for the new Harry Potter book was retarded, so we ordered it online instead. It's a wicked long book"
3. Gay, in the 3rd grade sense of "Bowling is totally gay" (except, of course, that bowling is wicked fun.)
4. Duh, or for a truly juvenile flashback, doye (pronounced "doy-EE") or no doye. "Duh. John Roberts is totally not related to Julia Roberts. What are you, retarded?"

Run, Forest, Run

Yes, ok, I haven't posted anything since last Friday. It's possible that I've been very busy at work! Possible in that whole monkeys-could-type-Hamlet kind of way, but possible none the less.
Moving on, unless you are being paid millions of dollars to do it, running in public is just never, ever cool. Jogging is fine. Jogging is Nike Dri-Weave shorts, a t-shirt from your alma matter and a mini-iPod in your armband. Running is oh-shit-I-am-so-late for the 6:34 to New Haven. Travel bag banging at your side and legs flailing back like you are going to kick yourself in the ass.
Stepping outside my office into the hallway yesterday afternoon, I caught someone running. And then they had to slow down, gradually, into the "Running? Who, me? No way dude I was totally just walking sort of quickly" pace. Into the bathroom.
Perhaps this is a location joke in that you had to be there, but I found it wicked funny. Which brings me to my next topic...

Roundup: Emmy nods

Emmy nominations were announced this morning. Highlights include:
Sandra Oh for Grey's Anatomy-I love this show. Granted, I would watch Patrick Dempsey practicing his penmanship if it was on TV
Terry O'Quinn for Lost-The flashback to him with hair was amazing.
Jason Bateman for Arrested Development-happy for him, though my real crush is on Will Arnett. Hot and funny-damn you, Amy Poehler!
Hugh Laurie for House-"Jeeves, whatever could be wrong with this patient? Is is the dreaded Aunt-itis? My word, how unpleasant! Fetch me some narcotics, would you old chap?" "Certainly, sir"
With Scrubs also getting a nod for Best Comedy Series but no repeat nom for CSI, the motto this year seems to be, "Doctors rule, cops drool"

Lowlights:
West Wing for Outstanding Drama-resurgence, my ass. No Lowe, no go. Time to Kevorkian this show.
Doris Roberts for Everyone Loves Raymond-I go off about how this show derives 90% of its comedy from portraying the mothers as nagging, critical harpies and the fathers as luckless, incompetent twits, reinforcing negative stereotypes and reusing bad "no sex for you" jokes...but I won't. Suffice to say that Doris Roberts is the least likeable old person on TV and when you consider things like Andy Rooney and the O'Reilly factor, that's saying something.
Victor Garber, unfortunately for a one-shot on Will & Grace (the lowlight part) instead of Alias, where he manages to make Jack Bristow so eeevil and yet so awesome at the same time. I'd kill to see him go up against Treat Williams (Everwood) for Best Lead Actor in a Drama. They would tie and then be forced into a sing-off from their respective bad movie versions of 60's musicals. Sure Treat was groovy as Berger, anti-war activist and hippie hottie in Hair, but c'mon. You can't beat Jesus.
And can someone explain to me how two women from Two and a Half Men are in the Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy category?? No, of course I don't watch that show. It's on CBS for chrissakes. But you're telling me two people from a CBS sitcom are funnier than...wait, hang on...hm, I don't think I watch any regular sitcoms any more. How about Austin from Project Runway? In any event, Eva Longoria and Nicolette Sheridan are going to F those B's up. This is their category-you betta watch yo' backs!

*Lazy Blogger Alert-yes, I could have linked to various source for info on the aforementioned actors and shows. Seriously, though, just hit E! Online. The channel is fairly useless (and always 3 times louder than any other channel for some unknown reason) but the website is decent.

Flickr presents: Things I Will Not Be Doing at My Wedding

• Hippie love-in
• "Artistic" wedding photos
• Anything to to with camping (tent in left corner)
• Get married on Disneyland's Tom Sawyer's Island
• Make an impromtu chupah from the curtains. (note the bare windows!)
• Give the underage kids screwdrivers...watch the hand, there buddy.
• Getting married at sunset on a tropical island. Gross.

Diet Vanilla Coke and the other things filling up my afternoon

Diet Vanilla Coke, or the DVC, as I like to call it, is one of the finest products to be introduced since maybe wine in a box. It's like diet cream soda, only it tastes good. Just add vodka for instant desert! (This also works with chocolate soy milk)
Just found the Waiter Rant and lost an hour of my day. Laughed out loud at one post in particular.
In the spirit of MUG's Hump Day, here some other time-wasting websites I recommend:

• Overheard in New York: Addictive, but the bright blue screen will have you seeing funny.
• Movie Spoiler: Because you're really not going to see Fantastic 4, but you want to be able to trash it as if you had.
• Emedco: Am I the only one who loves printed barricade tape, photoluminescent exit signs and gravity-feed eyewash stations? Really? Oh...I guess so. It's better in catalog form, I swear.

If I remember, I'll try to make this a regular Wednesday feature.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On a separate note, I am seeing a play tonight, Swimming in the Shallows, that stars Ryan's ne'er do well ex-con brother Trey! How sweet is that? I am totally going to ask him if Marissa's going to jail (unlikely, no matter how much the show would improve in MB's absence).

What's new, pussycat?

Sometimes I really love my job. And in order to keep it, I have removed all identifying details regarding the following actual letter, describing a potential event:

This year, we have come up with a concept that we think will top our previous promotions. We are producing the first-ever reality show starring cats. The basic premise is as follows:

10 cats from animal shelters around the country will live together in a specially-designed house (a la Real World)

The house will be equipped with multiple web cameras so that viewers have 24/7 access to the action inside the house via a dedicated website

Every few days, viewers will vote to eliminate one cat from the house (who will then be adopted to a permanent home), until a winner is crowned

Professional comedy writers will write commentary, create contrived conflict within the house and lend a distinct personality to each cat

This two-week promotion will culminate in a televised show satirizing the themes found in popular reality shows. Think of it as a cross between Big Brother and Best in Show.

Under normal circumstances, I would let this stand, maybe with just a "I loved this show...when it was called 'Crazy Old Lady Down the Street'" or "Well, I've seen worse". However, I can't help but feel strongly that my cat Bernie would be perfect for this. You see, Bernie can't walk very well. His head and his ass shake independent of each other when he stands still. He falls over a lot. He could be the Timmy, or the Michael J. Fox of the house. Y'know, different, but inspiring. Plus with "normal" cats, you're just going to end up with a lot of nothing, but with Bernie you've got built-in funny. Who needs "professional comedy writers" when you have pure comic gold like a cat toppling ass over end off the coffee table? Of course, I wouldn't want him to get voted off and then adopted by some random hippie do-gooder (who the hell else would want a gimpy cat?). I just wish I'd thought of this whole cat-reality-show thing first.

Bringing all the boys to the yard

7-11 has opened in NYC and just in time, as they are celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Slurpee with free samples. I went through a Slurpee phase in college, but I think it was just an excuse to drive 20 minutes off campus for a change of scenery. Meanwhile though, I still secrectly believe Lanie's theory that you get your 44 oz Big Gulp in the morning and you've got all the nutrients you need for the day.

Your Summer Reading List

Two very cool events at the Borders Columbus Circle. Please guess which one I am more likely to be seen at:
1.) I hear this guy is like, actually good. Wasn't Seth reading his book last season before the prom?

2.) OMG! OMG! OMG! I hear Ron and Hermione totally get it on in this one!

That's correct, I am clearly not "literary" enough for someone that Seth Cohen would read. Wait, hang on. It says here he writes about Saved by the Bell episodes. Oh man, I am so down with that!

Good morning, Starshine

The Weekend in Review:
Friday-Oh, it began well enough, certainly. Saigon Grill surpassed expectations and we were well taken care of at the usual watering hole. Somewhere between the Miller Lite and TV theme song sing-along, things get a little fuzzy. I'm told darts were played and I have yet to find an explanation for the Bo Bice mp3s that appeared on my desktop.
Pretty much an ideal evening.

Saturday-In the 12 waking hours I managed, the Yankees tough loss was soothed with horchata, Sliding Doors and possibly the most underated teen comedy of the late 90's, Drive Me Crazy. If you can get past Melissa Joan Hart's one droopy eye (no worse than Katie Holmes seemingly stroke-induced half smile) and the constantly changing length of her hair (in the course of one day), you'll find one of the better written movies in this genre not based on Shakespeare. Not as well constructed as 10 Things I Hate About You, but way more enjoyable than She's All That. NB: written by the guy who now does Veronica Mars and is enjoying solo sucess away from his band.

Sunday-Began inauspiciously enough, but after a Yankee win and a rousing meal of moules frites and crepes, we discovered a treasure. For fear of this place turning into the next Bohemian Beer Hall, I'm sworn to secrecy. I can say this: it's more conveniently located for me, and less scene-y, than here, but the views are just as good.

It's going to be a long week...this post took me three hours to write and is mildly diverting at best. Then again, so is this, and I assume that dude got paid.

An Open Letter to the females of New York City

Ladies, I want to first say that I completely understand your plight. Fashion is a bitch-ever elusive, often unflattering and rarely comfortable. So when flip-flops became acceptable footwear beyond the beach and outside of the dorm room shower, many of you rejoiced. Black flip flops with black skirts, red flip flops with multi-color peasant skirts and white flip flops with all manner of mini skirts became ubiquitous on the sidewalks of New York. Fine. You are aware, of course, that the only thing separating your foot from the communal treadway/trash can/toilet we like to call a sidewalk is a half-inch of rubber. In normal, pleasant summer conditions this is acceptable and I've even shuffled all the way to the Duane Reade in my own pink, hand-me-down Old Navy pair of flip flops.
HOWEVER, it is raining today. All day today. This is not one of those New England 5-minute weather rule rains, this is a veritable monsoon brought on by a weather system so formidable they had to give it a name. And there is simply nothing grosser than walking behind you and your squelchy feet getting wetter and dirtier with every crosswalk.
Please, for my sake if not your own, put on some some freakin' wellies to keep your now-skanky toes out of the puddles and out of my sight. You can thank me later.

California, here we come

Yes! Yes! Yes! Laguna Beach is finally coming back! Oh, the drama-will Kristin and Stephen get back together (of course), will L.C. and Stephen hook up (probably), will any of the other people have worthwhile storylines (doubtful), will we get to hear Morgan sing again (oh how I hope so)????
Monday, July 25th-viewing party at my place! Should we make it a Black and White Semi-Formal? Tiffany bracelets optional, bitchy attitude absolutely required.

I was always rooting for Brian Krakow anyway

Jared Leto not looking so good.

Signs of the Appocalypse: Summer Edition

1. People not only watched, but LOVED this show. I can't believe I missed it.
2. Earliest start to a hurricane season on record. Or something.
3. Mariah Carey's body-makeup malfunction. (short scroll down, 8th item or so)
4. Derek Jeter no longer baseball's golden boy. Hmm, I somehow blame Mariah Carey for this one, too.
5. You thought stealing ideas from anonymous blogs was bad...

Because there is only so much to go around

The Observer has a great piece that fully supports my self-imposed ban on crossing Fifth Avenue anywhere above 14th St. Although the IJC got there first, and way funnier. And he is rightfully PO'd to not have received any credit. This shit is getting rampant.

Via Curbed and Gawker. What, you think I find this stuff on my own?

Nice Rack!

Ok, follow me on this one...I subscribe to the ad-industry newsletters at work, even though I do not, in actuality, work in the ad industry. But they're interesting and occasionally funny and it feels like work, even when I'm reading about the Saatchi 17 walking off the Cheerios account en masse. (And I knew about that waaay before the New York Magazine article). Ahem. There is one newsletter in particular, Magazine Rack, that is usually freakin hillarious. (If you are interested, start with this one.) I'm not sure what the actual point of this column is, but it makes me laugh. Out loud. So, imagine my ire when this comes in to my Inbox today.


First of all, and this is much less the egregious offence, Magazine Rack has already covered Luxury Spa Finder. But most importantly, who is this Rachel Lehmann-Haupt and why is her writing wholly devoid of wit (or snark)? I will concede that Larry Dobrow occasionally veered off-topic and into personal ruminations, but this dry-as-sawdust replacement will not do. I was suspect when Alynda Wheat replaced Dalton Ross as the writer for Entertainment Weekly’s “What to Watch” column, but she proved to be a worthy successor. I do not foresee the same fate for Ms. L-H. Count me unsubscribed unless the funny comes back.

Someday my prints will come...

...when my writing is as funny as this. First the blog, then the 6-episode treatment for my sitcom based on life in Newport, NJ (likely title: "If You Lived Here..." in tribute to the sign hanging from the side of the building. Ah, the good old days at Tom Jeff!) and then finally, the e-pistolary novel, told entirely in e-mail format. Shout out to the Bronte sistas!

Nice and Easy

Wow, long time, no blog! Miss me? Yes, well, I had a beautiful weekend in Callicoon NY over the Fourth of July holiday. Swimming, biking, laying out in the sun without incurring a third degree burn; it was all fabulous. We had perfect freakin' weather and MH and I could not have had a better time. Our hostess is a great cook and we had wine from the vineyard where the wedding will be! I know, so cute, right? Which brings me to my next topic (and the title of the post). I think "Nice and Easy" by Frank Sinatra is going to be our theme for the wedding. Not necessarily the first dance (maybe even the last one) but just a general mood-setter, to remind ourselves not to stress or freak out when the catering bill comes in at $800,000. (hyperbole alert)
Last night, I met up with some fellow Uconn Drama Alums for drinks at Divine Bar. Nice, if pricey. Good times, though, and I hope we can get more people out next time. I have all of this "insider perspective" from my time with the talent manager and no one to foster it on! My life is not fulfilling without someone to boss around and MH can only take so much.
There's the personal update for this week...on to the interesting stuff!

Friday cram

So since I will be away for the long weekend, I guess I'm working extra hard to get some stuff up. Also my iced grande latte seems to have kicked my glucose deficieny in the ass, so now I'm all wired.
In completley unrelated news, this could be the cutest thing ever.

Must be all those Hummer owners

I'm still new at this, but it's surprisingly harder than I'd imagined. Of course, every now and then you get thrown a bone...
(first paragraph only. you think I have the attention span for anything more?)
In the spirit of Al Hirschfeld, I'm calling this one...penis6

Sky Rockets in Flight!

Mmm, had a Jamba Juice this afternoon. V yummy, but am now facing the inevitable crash in blood sugar. While this is ususally a nice Friday pick-me-up, no luck today. Maybe a nap at the World Wide Plaza courtyard instead?

Oh Mah Gawd

Or better yet, as Summer would say, "Ew!"